(And What It Taught Me About Confidence)

We see unchecked confidence in many different professions: lawyers, executives, managers – they often have confidence, but if they fail to effectively and productively communicate eventually no one wants to work with them, or their careers stagnate and they don’t get promotions. You might have worked with the type of manager I’m talking about: all the confidence in the world but a seemingly horrible human being based purely on the way they communicate. I’m sure you know the type. But what if the person in question doesn’t have either? No confidence, AND no communication skills? This is a story about how I built my confidence and communication skills and what encouraged that decision.

I was not always a good communicator, nor did I have the confidence to speak my mind. In fact, for most of my childhood, I was a quiet, nerdy bookworm. It was one specific event that completely changed the course of my life for the better.

The Day I Forgot to Be Shy

I was sitting at school, keeping to myself, and reading a book. This was a very common scene, as my closest friends were in the form of the stories and worlds I got lost in on a daily basis.

I would often think of funny things in the moment, but never had the confidence to say what was on my mind, and usually the class clowns would say what I was thinking a full minute after I’d already had the thought – always getting a good laugh and positive feedback. I was too shy and nervous of judgement. Too afraid of the spotlight to ever risk opening my mouth in those moments.

The day everything changed

Then that day, sitting on that bench at school, I forgot myself. Just for a moment, but that was long enough. Something funny happened in front of me, and, unbeknownst to me, I was not alone on that bench. I blurted my thoughts out thinking that I was, in fact, alone. One of the popular girls (who was also one of the class clowns) in my grade was sitting there, she burst out laughing, and I went bright red. She turned to me, happily surprised, and told me that she didn’t know I was so funny. I felt both shy and honoured to be recognised in such a positive way.

That was my turning point to climb out of my shell, albeit slowly. I made a decision that day that when I got into high school, I was going to reinvent myself. I made a choice to be loud and say everything that was on my mind.

Little did I know that being louder was not enough

While the new found confidence was fantastic, it also became apparent very quickly that there was more to communicating with others than simply having the courage to speak up. Tact, phrasing, tonality, and timing are crucial skills (these are skills I now teach clients directly).

That was really where my interest in improving my communication skills began. I didn’t even view it as a “skill” – all I knew was that I didn’t like that I seemed to upset people at times with what I now had the confidence to say. There was absolutely no filter between my thoughts and words. It was a massive problem that hurt my friends and acquaintances on numerous occasions.

What I did about it

I realised that if I wanted to be a good friend, and not alienate myself, I needed to learn how the popular kids got it right, and fast. So I observed more than I talked. I asked for feedback from close friends when I noticed from their behaviour that I had said something wrong, and tried the things they suggested.

Given that we were all around the same age, progress was extremely slow. It took me all of high school to eventually get to a point where I was getting it right with people more than I was getting it wrong. But it was worth it!

I took the time to learn how to listen better, empathise more, how to read the room, and notice when topics shouldn’t be touched, versus when they are fair game for a joke.

How Communicating Better Changed my Life

That quiet little girl who was too afraid to speak then became popular herself. Random girls from my school would bump into me at the mall and know who I was, even if I’d never spoken to them once. I became magnetic in all the right ways.

Confidence gets you into the room. Communication is what makes people want you to stay.

Just because I felt confident enough to speak my mind more, my failure to communicate with grace and tact often meant that I was not well liked. It took quite a few years, and a lot of trial and error to eventually get to a point where people both enjoyed being around me and actually wanted to.

It was really learning communication skills and techniques that made the biggest difference.

Through these lived experiences, I learnt that being perceived correctly is learnable, and thus teachable. While confidence is definitely important, unchecked confidence without the healthy communication skills to back that confidence up is futile.

The Adult Result

Later in life, the communication skills I spent time honing as a child gave me the ability to build my businesses, sell to clients, and command respect in rooms I was invited into.

It didn’t remove my nerves when talking to a new person, but rather made it easier for me to engage even with my nerves being present. Learning how to speak and how to express myself changed things for the better. Thank goodness for the day I forgot to be shy! If not for that day, I wouldn’t be the confident woman I am today!

Everything Is Teachable

Communication and confidence are not things you are “born” with, they can be learnt, practiced, and improved.

Perhaps you recognise a little of yourself in my story. Maybe you struggle to speak up with confidence, find yourself misunderstood, struggle to communicate under pressure, or simply know that your communication could be having a greater impact. If so, I’d love to hear your story!

Wherever you are in your communication journey, you don’t have to figure it out through years of trial and error like I did. Save yourself the broken friendships, failed relationships, and stagnant career. See how we can work on this together.

Your voice matters. Let’s make sure it’s being heard the way you intend it to be.